


selfish (selfless)

by AtLoLevad



Category: Vampire Academy (2014), Vampire Academy Series - Richelle Mead
Genre: Domestic, F/M, Fluff, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25039207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtLoLevad/pseuds/AtLoLevad
Summary: After years of putting the Moroi first, Rose has a moment of selfishness when it comes to her and Dimitri's future.
Relationships: Dimitri Belikov/Rose Hathaway
Comments: 8
Kudos: 84





	selfish (selfless)

I yawn and wipe at the remnants of ink on my shoulder. The two new _molnija_ marks are sore, but I'm used to the pain at this point. I can sort of see them in the mirror behind me, spread out over the back of my neck and over onto the backs of my shoulders. I had hated the way the marks all crowded together into a blurry mass on my mom's neck, so once my own neck began running out of prime real estate, I'd made the decision to spread them out, so they looked less like a mess and more like a deliberate pattern.

The fact that most of the marks were hidden under my shirts only served to help the enemy underestimate me. Which is totally fine - I like being underestimated, it's the best weapon in a fight and it's saved my life more than once.

And the dozens of hidden _molnija_ marks prove that I'm underestimated a lot.

Once my back is mostly clean, I tug a fresh shirt - huge and stolen from Dimitri's pile of clean laundry - over my head and pad quietly into our bedroom. Dimitri's already in bed, two pillows propped under his head and his legs crossed at the ankle. The TV is on, tuned to one of those classic movie channels that play sepia-coloured westerns all day. The volume's low and Dimitri's barely paying attention to it - he's probably seen the film a dozen times at this point. I squint at the screen, it looks vaguely familiar.

"Hey," I mumble, climbing up onto my side of the bed and curling against his side carefully. His right shoulder had been dislocated in the fight earlier and now he's holding his arm carefully over his stomach, also a convenient way to protect the three cracked and broken ribs he'd also suffered.

"Hi," he returns, draping an arm around my back and letting his hand rest against my hip. "How is your head?"

I wrinkle my nose and think about the ugly bruise that currently discolours the entire left side of my face. "I've been better," I admit. I consider it. "I've also been worse, so I guess I can't complain."

Dimitri's hums and I can hear the way pain is laced through the noise. I tangle my fingers with his where they rest on his stomach and give them a light squeeze. He's not so young anymore - 34 as of his last birthday - and it takes him longer and longer to recover from the Strigoi attacks. He won't admit it of course, but I watch him and I know him better than anyone. He's laying rigidly in bed, careful not to jostle himself too much.

"I can take the guest room, if you want?" I offer, ready to make a joke about the way I toss and turn like a woman possessed, but Dimitri cuts me off.

"No," he says softly. "I will be fine." He chuckles under his breath. "I think I would get a worse night's sleep if you weren't here."

An involuntary smile spreads across my lips, thrilled with an admission of Dimitri's affection, even all these years later.

"Well," I reply faux-haughtily, "I guess I can stay. If you need me to sleep."

"I didn't say I need you," Dimitri retorts almost immediately, fond exasperation in his voice.

"That's not what I heard," I grin into his chest. Dimitri shakes his head and my smile slowly fades, replaced with vague soreness in the rest of my body. I'd taken a few hits during the fight too and even though I'm younger than Dimitri, it's not pleasant being thrown against a wall.

We zone out for a while, Dimitri's hand finding the end of my hair and twirling a piece of it between his fingers. The repetitive motion is soothing and I can feel my eyes getting heavy. I blink slowly and lazily and murmur, "I'm so tired," against Dimitri's chest.

He hums. "Go to sleep, Roza. It's an early day tomorrow," he reminds me.

I sigh.

"It's not-" I pause, not even sure I want to say what's on my mind. Dimitri's fingers continue to twirl in the ends of my hair. "I just...I'm tired," I sigh again.

Dimitri hums again, a noise that's starting to get on my nerves, if I'm being honest. I frown and wait a beat. I'm met with silence. Oh good, Dimitri's doing his thing where he lets me sit and simmer with my thoughts until I burst. I hate when he does that.

"I think I want to take a step back," I blurt after another interminable minute of silence.

I hate when his tactics work.

"A step back from what?" Dimitri asks, suddenly alert. His tone is curious and I can feel his eyes looking down at the top of my head. His fingers still in my hair, tangled around the long pieces, as if he knows what I'm talking about. I'm sure he does.

I bury my face in his shirt, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. I can't believe I'm about to say this.

"From my Guardian duties," I whisper into fabric and I know he's heard me from the way he goes completely still next to me.

He exhales softly, but doesn't say anything.

"Dimitri?" I question softly, "Did you hear me?"

"I heard you, Roza," he replies carefully.

I sit up at his side, cross-legged, and twist my fingers in my lap. Dimitri looks at me, an eyebrow raised curiously.

"How long have you been thinking about this?" he asks, groaning a little as he shifts to angle his body in my direction.

"A while," I admit hesitantly. I reach over my shoulder and rub at the healed _molnija_ marks there. I can't even remember how many marks are on my back - most of them accumulated during my trip to Siberia all those years ago. "Couple months. I'm just really tired, Dimitri."

Dimitri gives me an understanding little smirk. "Not the kind of tired that'll be cured by a week on the beach, huh?" he asks, reaching out to rest a large, warm hand on my bare thigh. He strokes my skin gently with his thumb and I shake my head.

"Unfortunately not," I laugh, "but I wouldn't say no to a beach vacation, if you're offering."

He laughs and nods. "Noted," and then he's quiet, thinking, if the way his eyebrows draw together is any indication. I wait him out. "What would you do?" he asks eventually. "If you're not guarding Lissa."

Lissa.

The main reason why I've been hesitant to voice my thoughts.

Leaving my best friend's side - leaving her protection to someone else - especially now that she's halfway through her first pregnancy.

Lisa's protection is the most important thing to me and the fact that I'm getting tired and restless with the rigid Guardian schedule says a lot.

"I'm not sure," I admit quietly. And it's true. I hadn't really thought that far ahead, what I might do with my time if I wasn't guarding Lissa's life.

"Okay," Dimitri says simply. He squeezes my thigh. "Okay," he repeats, "whatever you want to do. It's not fair to you or Lissa if you're distracted."

My shoulders sag in relief. A small part of me was worried that Dimitri would disapprove, that he would think I was being naïve and that I wasn't living up to my full potential. For so long, guarding Lissa was my life, but even when I was still a teenager, the desire to live my life for myself was something that I wanted. But the Moroi always came first.

To my horror, I sniffle a little, thinking about how much of my life was dedicated to Lissa and how much I was going to miss being by her side all day.

"Hey," Dimitri says softly, grunting as he pushes himself into a sitting position. He pulls me to his side and I curl against him. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm being selfish," I cry, my biggest fear bubbling up. "All my life, I've been training to be Lissa's Guardian, I fought for so long to be seen as good enough to be her Guardian, and now I'm just going to leave her? What's wrong with me?"

Dimitri's hand strokes through my hair, holding my close. "You're not selfish," he says, brushing a kiss against the crown of my head. "You're the most selfless woman I know."

"Why do I feel like I'm being a jerk?" I mumble, wiping my face on his shirt. "How can I think about leaving her now? For no reason?"

"Oh, Rose. It's not no reason. It's your life - our life," he says, his voice firm and reassuring. "When did you start thinking about this?"

I pull back from his embrace a little and wipe at my eyes. I shrug. "I don't know. I think it's been building. I never see you and seeing Lissa get pregnant and prepare to be a mom? I don't know. It just...I think..." I trail off, ashamed.

Understanding dawns in Dimitri's eyes and he nods. "You were jealous," he says and there's no judgment in his tone. If anything, it sounds like he almost agrees with me.

"Not really jealous," I say, frowning because that's the wrong emotion. "More like, I want that for us. I want to have a family and ..." I pause, reconsider. "Okay, maybe I'm a little jealous."

Dimitri laughs and he leans in to kiss me softly. When he pulls back, he says, "I've been thinking the same thing."

What?

My jaw drops open and my eyes bug out.

"What?" I exclaim loudly, bouncing on the mattress. "You want to quit being a Guardian? You? Dimitri Belikov? Did I fall into an alternate universe?"

He rolls his eyes at me - a very common occurrence - and snorts. "No, Rose. I don't want to quit being a Guardian. I don't think I could step back completely. But something modified maybe." He reaches back to rub at his own fresh _molnija_ marks (his are all clustered on his neck and I think it looks stupid but whatever), a thoughtful expression on his face. "I would like a family with you, though."

"Oh," I gasp a little, his words hitting me in the stomach and taking my breath away even though I've always known that he wanted - wants - kids. We hadn't talked about it in so long though, always committed to our duties of guarding Lissa and Christian. Tears well up in my eyes again - embarrassing - and I suck my lower lip in between my teeth. "You'd be a great dad," I whisper and his answering smile is so small and genuine I can feel my heart burst in my chest.

I don't voice my own concerns about my maternal ability, but Dimitri seems to read my mind because he ducks his head to whisper in my ear, "Any kid would be lucky to have you as their mom."

I swallow and the tears drop down my cheeks.

"Are we really doing this?" I ask. "Stepping back, adopting a kid?"

"I think we are," Dimitri laughs incredulously. Our bedroom is full of crackling energy, excitement about our new path and I can't stop the grin that spreads across my face. I lean forward and cup Dimitri's cheeks with my hands, kissing him deeply, and even though I could keep going, the grumble of pain that escapes him reminds me of his shoulder and ribs and I pull back reluctantly.

"Sorry," I grin sheepishly. "I got excited."

He shrugs and pulls me against his side, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and resting his forearm over my chest. I snuggle into his embrace, suddenly tired now that I've gotten things off my chest. We zone out for a while, nearly asleep when Dimitri says, "Teaching?"

"Huh?" I mumble, blinking.

"What if you taught novices?" he suggests. "I'm sure they would love to learn from a famous Guardian." His tone is teasing and I gently nudge his good side with my elbow.

"Shut up," I laugh. "I'm not a teacher. I was barely a student, in case you forgot, comrade?" The old nickname falls easily from my mouth and Dimitri smirks.

"I remember. Stubborn and insolent," he says fondly and just as I'm about to argue, he continues, "But also the smartest and fastest learner I've ever met. I think you would be good at it."

I'm about to contradict him again, but close my mouth and actually think about it. Me, teaching novices. Teaching dhampirs and Moroi to protect themselves.

I'll give it to him, it's an interesting thought.

The only problem is - "St. Vlad's is in Montana. If I'm going to stop protecting Lissa 24/7, I don't want to move nearly across the country from her and really never see her."

"Improve the training regimen already implemented here at Court," Dimitri says easily, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. His cheek comes down to rest on the top of my head and the weight of his head is reassuring.

"I guess I'll add it to the list of things I'll have to discuss with Lissa," I say, both dreading and looking forward to that conversation. I know Lissa will be happy for me and Dimitri, even if she'll be upset at losing our protection - well, officially anyway. There's no way I'd ever be able to stop watching Lissa's back. I smirk, "Should I see if they'll have room for elderly Russian Guardians past their prime?"

I shriek as Dimitri pinches my shoulder roughly, growling in my ear, "I'll show you past my prime once these damn ribs heal."

Arousal shivers down my spine and I grin, "Oh comrade, I'm looking forward to it."

Dimitri presses a soft kiss to my temple and we rearrange ourselves so we can both sleep comfortable - Dimitri's ribs and shoulders taking priority. I end up curled against his side, feet pressed against his calves as he complains about how cold they are. I don't care - it's a common enough spat between us and I'm comfortable. Dimitri's fingers resume twirling strands of my hair and before I know it, sleep is finally overtaking me.

* * *

Three weeks later, before I've even had a chance to pretend that I've talked to Lissa about our plans, Dimitri comes into the kitchen, a package wrapped in brown paper in his hands.

"What's that?" I ask, hopping up onto the counter and biting into a piece of spiced jerky that I'd swiped from Christian's stash of "artisanal" snacks. The fancy adjective didn't make them taste any better than the Slim Jim's from the gas station, but the annoyance every time Christian realized his stores were dwindling did.

"Package from Yeva," Dimitri grins, reading the return label. I groan. Dimitri's grandmother and I were not the best of friends. At best, we tolerated each other.

I raise an eyebrow and nod towards the box, "Well? It's neither of our birthdays, so I wonder what it is."

Dimitri tears into the box and withdraws a small pale green sweater - knitted, it looks like. We both frown at it.

"Must be for Lissa," I say, even though a small voice in the back of my head is trying to point something out. Lissa and Christian had met Dimitri's family on a few occasions now and wouldn't you know it, Lissa and Yeva had become fast friends. "Probably for the baby. But she got sizes wrong. That's way too big for a newborn. More like a toddler." Not that I had any idea how big newborns or toddlers really were.

He hums quietly and reaches back into the box, tiny sweater crumpling a bit in his large hand. The next time he pulls his hand out of the box, there's a piece of paper in it. I swallow as Dimitri scans the letter and begins to read. His voice is soft, "Dimka, tell your Rose all will be well."

After a moment of silence, I raise an eyebrow. "That's it?" I ask. "Your grandmother has always verged on the annoying side of cryptic."

That draws a laugh from my husband. "I think she does it to annoy you, to be honest," he admits.

Of course.

I roll my eyes and hop off the counter, reaching Dimitri's side in two steps. I gently take the sweater from his hands and study it.

"You think," I look up at Dimitri, something like hope filling my chest, "that she had one of her dreams?"

The smile on Dimitri's face is dazzling.

"I think that's a very good possibility," he says and I jump into his arms, kissing him furiously, Yeva's words echoing in my mind.

_All will be well._

**Author's Note:**

> i'm mildly hyperfixating on vampire academy again after re-reading the books. i looked through my old fics and they were SO BAD lol. so now have a mini-series of fics where rose and dimitri adopt orphaned dhampir children. i'm sure some of this is out of character, but i'm basically new at writing these guys after all these years lol.
> 
> PLEASE leave a review and let me know what you think :)


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